ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
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Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.