most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
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I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
step 6: release the wall snake
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Meanwhile in Canada…
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …