I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
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My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th