“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
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Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Finally, an explanation.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.