Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
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No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.