Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
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Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.