Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
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Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.