My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
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I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.