Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
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Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.