[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
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I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.