The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
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interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.