I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
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This is me
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My wife gives the best headache.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.