Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
You Might Also Like
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹