Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
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I need to get some bricks…
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Truth
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese