If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
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[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”