You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
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Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.