I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
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I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.