ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
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I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Potatoes were such a good idea
Seems kinda suspicious
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up