I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
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Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?