It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
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love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*