It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.