Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
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WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
What flavor cupcake are these
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.