*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
You Might Also Like
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two