The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
love it when they get my name right
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me