I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
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Nothing.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!