god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
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Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh