If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
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hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.