Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
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“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
😬
Who’s ready for Friday?!
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
☠️☠️☠️
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.