The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
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Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
This fish is cracking me up
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.