*googles how the hell I ended up here*
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[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.