Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
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Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”