My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
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I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
😂😂😂
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful