I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
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It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
me hooking up with my ex
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres