Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
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Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks