Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
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robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Sell your car
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down