“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
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Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything