[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
You Might Also Like
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.