*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
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Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
No one told me my life would become so much googling it