Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
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employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen