airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
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[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
me before I type out affect or effect
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?