I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy