I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
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If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”