9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
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My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick