“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
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“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
tis the season
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s