Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
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Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Love is always patient and kind.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.