My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
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him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave