6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
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If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time