The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
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Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
My favorite female superhero
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL