felt cute might bury dad later idk
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i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist