My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
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Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
fly smarter, not harder
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home